So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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