that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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