i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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