If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
