i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
