I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
