And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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