Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
