Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Vodka?
Forever.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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