I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have aggressive nipples.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
