i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have already put on my inside pants.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
