I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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