I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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