Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
