She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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