When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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