i will never coherently bang her
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
