I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
