i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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