Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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