i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
