____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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