i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
vagina is talking i cant
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
