I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
