Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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