He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
