ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
