I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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