Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
