I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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