I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
