Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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