I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
