So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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