thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
