Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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