Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
