My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
