so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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