You just made me feel so damn special
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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