How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
