I cannot find my penis.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
