I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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