He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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