Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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