You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
