i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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