happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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