Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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