there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
