If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
