come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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