she woke up with a sticky ear
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
