K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
