Four minutes until I can fart!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
