shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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