A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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