I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
