his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
