you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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