At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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