One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
