you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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