What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
