so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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