Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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