Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
