I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
